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    July 26

    襪子上的洞

    帶在鼻樑上本應很不自然的鏡框重量跟透過鏡片望出去的景物一樣一早就習慣了; 放在褲後的肥厚錢包在我坐著的時候也没有做成特別的不便, 大部份來我房間的人也會抱怨的氣味對我來說亦没有對我產生多大的困擾; 就連自己生存在這個世界的這個事實都被自己的世界接受了, 雖然如果繼續思索下去會發覺單以自己的世界來接受外面的世界的話, 也就是說我只是以自己的世界來接受自己正生存在自己認清的外面世界, 而那自己認清的外面世界仍然不是真正的外面世界的問題. 不過其實這也無所為, 因為這並不是我現在太在意的地方. 我最近特別在意的是穿在我右腳上的襪子, 嚴格點來說應該是襪子上的洞. 我發覺最近那個洞好像又大了. 本來穿上襪子時只會看到腳子頭的時代已經過去了, 而我正處身在的是剛可以把兩隻腳指也一起穿過的嶄新時代; 不過洞口做成的狹窄侷促感覺其實坦白來說還是有的. 我並没有太刻意去隱藏這種所為的侷促感, 正確點來說是我覺得並没有所為的必要性去把它(這感覺) 藏起來, 因為這是屬於我的感覺, 也就是說我是這種侷促感的擁有人. 而我覺得我應該, 也有權把這種感覺和其它屬我擁有權的感覺跟所有我的一切表露出來, 至少在某些時候. 我也知道我有一種對我來說近乎絕對的力量或權力去把這種感覺 (侷促感)永遠地移除; 而那就是我現在要做的事: “把它脫掉然後不再去穿它”. 
     

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